SAINSBURYS INDUCTION





CHAS
: Awright me owld Cock-Sparrows, grab yerselves a cup o' Rosey Lea and pull up sam pews. I'm Chas an' he's me mate Dave. We're 'ere to give you lot sam idea o' wot it's like to work at Bant - In - Fud.
First off, me owld Chinas, we're goin' to watch sam videos - pause for laughs and assorted witty comments - LUVVLY JUBBLY!
Nar then, the first one is abart dodgy motors, then we'll 'ave one abart my wad . . . . cos I've got LOADS O' MONEEEYYY!!!!! 'Ere we go then, clap yer mince pies on this lot . . . . SORTED!!!!!!!!

. . . . some time later

CHAS
: Well wot a load of owld bollocks eh Diamond Geezers. 'Ere, did I tell you abart my wad? Anyway there's sam geezer 'ere to show you round the depot you've been working at for the larst 6 years, but you' gotta go cos me an' me mate Dave are Cream-Crackered. We wos up all night drinking fizzy lager and eating cockles, so piss off for 'alf an hour while we go for a Tom Tit . . . . LUVVLY JUBBLY!

. . . . some more time later

CHAS
: Where the fuckin' 'ell 'ave you lot been? I could've been up West an' back by now you Northern Wankers. Get yerselves sat darn again cos we've got another video for ya . . . . TOP BANANA!
Right lads any questions? . . . . Come on don't be shy . . . . Any questions? . . . . Any at all? . . . . please . . . . bollocks! Right then Wankers, it's time for sam scran, where's the facking Naffie eh? I could murder Pie and Mash, Jellied Eels and some Window Cake . . . . ere Dave . . . . jast like your Mother used to make eh? . . . . NICE ONE!

. . . . some more time later again

CHAS
: Come on, lads come on park yer arses we've got a lot to get through this afternoon ain't we Dave? . . . . Dave? . . . . Dave? . . . . DAVE!! . . . . I said we've got a lot to get through this afternoon.

DAVE
: Oh Fuck Off Chas you cockney wanker, you've only worked at Bant - In - Fud for 3 years, I've been there for facking 28 barstard years of my facking life. I facking hate it. Do you think these Northern jessies give a flying toss abart how many Sandays you work? Cos I facking don't. I've 'ad enaff o' this bollocks. I'm off to practise for tonights gig at the Owld Grey Mare in Camden Tarn, an' if you've got any brains inside that big hairy bonce o' yours you'll come wiv me.
We can learn the words to our new song - I CAN HEAR THE BOW BELLS RINGING AN' IT'S 'ALF PAST FUCKING FOUR IN THE MORNING!

CHAS
: Be right wiv you Dave, I'll just get my pork pie hat and my bubble and squeak doggy bag. LUVVLY JUBBLY!!

CHAS N' DAVE
: MY OLD MAN, SAID FOLLOW THE VAN . . . .