BEST MAN SPEECH 1




  • Thank you, Save it to the end cos I've got a weak finish.
  • Testing testing icicles ricycles bicycles testing testing
  • First off, if you're disappointed with this speech, you're not on your own because I am as well.
  • Well I'll be honest this makes a change, the last wedding I went to, the bride was so ugly everyone kissed the groom.
  • (I like to have a plant in the audience. I just rather it wasn't a cabbage.)
  • Well, I was really, really nervous about making this speech, and when you've heard it you'll see why.
  • Suffice to say this isn't the first time this week I've got up from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand.
  • I've been spending the last few days trying to work out what I'm going to say, so I followed the basic rules of public speaking, that is to follow your ABC and your XYZ.
    • ABC Always be confident.
    • XYZ Examine your zip.
  • Like I said, I was really nervous about this speech, so I prepared a few lines. Now I've snorted them I feel a lot better.
  • I hope it doesn't make me slur though. Usually when I'm nervous I tend to pisspronunciate my worms.
  • Here's another one I copied,
  • As Henry 8th said to each of his wives, "I shall not keep you long!"
  • Anyway, FORNICATION .... Sorry .... FOR AN OCCASION such as this It has always been my ambition to talk at length about a fine, upstanding gentleman of impeccable style, charm, charisma, intellect and wit. Unfortunately I'll have to wait a bit longer for that, but today I'll give you a few words about our groom, Michael. Or as I call him Martle. Spelt with a T.
  • My driving instructor used to call me Mitle, but Martle had broader friends than me so he's known as Martle.
  • When he rings me my kids say its Martle for you. Usually though by the time I get to the phone he's hung up so I have to ring him back.
  • I wouldn't say he was tight but he squeaks when he walks, and if there's any way he can save a penny, he'll do it.
  • By the way Julie, now that you're married and of course you're sharing everything, the password to get on the internet is buxton66. That is until Martle rings me next week to change it for him.
  • What I must say though is that it's a great honour to be asked to be best man by Michael. He's got so many friends it could have been any one of them, but he chose me.
  • To be 2nd choice as well . . . . . would have been nice, but that guy couldn't do it, so I stepped in.
  • Well I'm flattered in a way cos he didn't ask any of you lot did he? . . . . He didn't did he? You didn't did you?
  • To be honest though, the only trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get a chance to prove it.
  • Anyway, on a more serious note, on behalf of the bridesmaids I'd like to thank Michael for his kind words and to repeat the obvious that you all look truly magnificent.
  • Thankyou Michael for such a great eloquent speech, mind you he's used to making a fool of himself in front of a crowd on a Saturday.
  • Not usually such a big crowd though.
  • Recently, we've all been telling Michael how lucky he is to be marrying Julie. So much so that he's started to get a bit paranoid, he thinks we all know something he doesn't.
  • It's funny though how history repeats itself, it's not too long ago that Julie's parents were sending her to bed with a dummy.
  • Pause for laugh it says here! If none is forthcoming don't try the next gag.
  • So, skipping that paragraph, let's have a look at some of the amazing and earth shattering events that have taken place on this day in history.
    • In 1908 Britain staged its first international beauty contest at the Pier Hippodrome in Folkestone.
    • 20 years later the world's first scheduled television programme was broadcast in New York.
    • In 1945 Japan's unconditional surrender to the Allies was made public, and Comedian and Actor Steve Martin was born in Waco, Texas.
    • In 1969 Keith Castle became the first British patient to receive a heart transplant.
    • Closer to home though, and more relevantly to Michael, In 1960 Britain's first motorway restaurant was opened on the M1 at Newport Pagnell.
  • Speaking of food, I was glad to see that we picked our meals before today, cos last time I went to a restaurant with Michael I asked him what he was having for his main course and he said I'm having Pissoles. I said it's not pissoles, it's spelt with an R. He said, oh right, I'm having arseholes then.
  • One thing I will say is that you should never share a secret with Michael, and we were talking about this on Thursday when we went out for a drink. Best not mention the quiz!
  • I remember for my 30th birthday . . . .I know, it's hard to believe but it happened. Anyway, My wife Michelle took me to New York and I didn't find out until I got to the airport on the day. However, when I took Michelle to Venice for her 30th, she had, how shall I put it? .... more than a sneaking suspicion where we were going. I think it was something to do with Michael telling her that we'd both look lovely in a gondola.
  • How I laughed!
  • Well it may be a while in coming but revenge is a dish best served cold.
  • As you know Michael is a lorry driver, as was I, and lorry drivers being lorry drivers. I thought I'd better take some precautions for Michael's wedding.
  • I decided to put a notice in the magazine Truck and Driver. The notice read, Michael Southern is soon to be married, and that all people still carrying a flame for him should extinguish it immediately.
  • Well, imagine my surprise when just yesterday I received a parcel in the post. I thought you might like to see what it contained
    • Thong with note attached
    • Michael - good luck, Tiffany
    • Granny pants with note attached
    • Michael - thinking of you on your big day, Doris
    • Y Fronts - No note
  • Funnily enough there's no note with this one. Maybe a little secret of your own there?
  • For all of you staying here tonight, if you look out of your window in the small hours and see a naked man running across the cricket pitch with his clothes under his arm, don't worry cos it's only our groom repeating his performance of the last time he stayed here.
  • Luckily for Julie though, this time she's booked in under a different name.
  • I'd now like to thank everybody who brought presents, they are much appreciated and will all be put to good use.
  • Having said that, if anybody does want to buy a juicer or a toaster I'm sure Michael will sort you something out. Either this evening or if you go to Leigh Miners next Sunday morning you can pick some of them up there.
  • Actually Julie had a bit of an issue with the seating plan, and what she decided was to use the wedding present list, and those who bought the biggest items sat nearest the front.
  • So thanks must go to Norman and Ian for the oven gloves.
  • By the way, when Michael said a joint present he meant between him and Julie.
  • One bit of advice for Michael to make his married life a bit easier, never let Julie have the last word in an argument, you should always save the last 2 for yourself. They are " Yes Julie."
  • Back to more serious matters though. Could you all please be upstanding and join me in a toast to the bride and grooms parents for this special day.
  • The bride and grooms parents.
  • Please remain standing as we share a thought for the happy couple:
  • "Happy marriages begin when we marry the one we love, and blossom when we love the one we married."
  • And on that note I'd like you to join me in a toast to Michael and Julie, the happy couple
  • To the bride and groom.
  • You can sit down again, thanks for listening to me, and to the new Mr and Mrs Southern, may your wedding night be like your dining room table, all legs and no drawers.

The following week there was a second reception with more friends, relatives and colleagues.
I reworked the speech for that occasion.

Here it is